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Fifi mula menari kembali! thanks to Hairi for the pic. :)

Salam.

Huih, banyak tul sawang kat blog aku nih. Lea, bak mai penyapu sawang tu sat.. nak clearkan sawang2 yang ado ni.

just to flush out my emotions at the moment.

Andai Aku Pergi, Izinkan ku pergi.

If i was ever to leave this world now, number one, I want to leave and meet my creator prepared, thing is, I dont know how prepared I am to face HIM.

I want to leave this world in peace, and by saying the Syahadah. I am a muslim, I profess that there is no God other than ALLAH, and Muhammad (PBUH) is His messenger.

I want to leave this word as quickly as I could, so that i dont have to do little 'destructions' to myself and to the environment.

I do not want people to remember me after i've gone. I dont want anybody shedding a tear when I go, well, I cant deny the fact that God gave everyone diferrent levels of emotions for every thing that we go thru in life.

Please dont freak out reading this entry ye. Im just flushing things out of my system. I think I've drifted away from HIS path. It is VERY SCARY.

at the moment I am chatting with a friend in East Malaysia. We kinda share the same thoughts. I've got his permission to paste parts of the conversation.

Nur M. Taib: tah la

Nur M. Taib: sometimes aku fed up being like this

Nur M. Taib: nafsu diberi keutamaan

Nur M. Taib: aku tak nafi

Nur M. Taib: kebelakangan ni, ibadah ke mana, nafsu kemana

Nur M. Taib: i feel quite low

Nur M. Taib: i've been muhabasing myself this past few days

Nur M. Taib: aku rindu kat DIA

Nur M. Taib: aku rindu dikejutkan DIA di sepertiga malam

mxxxxx : aku pun...kita ni fifi..cuma satu je..tak tahan dgn godaan syaitan...Allah nk uji kita....tp syaitan tu kuat menghasut....kalo kita lawan...aku rasa kita akan jd org yg paling baik atas dunia ni kan....(tolak la nabi dan alim ulamak la)

Nur M. Taib: aku rindu belaian DIA, walaupun aku tahu, aku been getting HIS attention every second in my life.

Nur M. Taib: hehe

Nur M. Taib: bole tak aku copy opaste ape yg kita cht kan ni?

mxxxxx : dugaan kita ni amat hebat

Nur M. Taib: sangat

mxxxxx : k..jangan buat pameran dh la

kaedahnye, mmg aku buat pameran. Hehehe.

Nur M. Taib: nak letak kat blog je mxxxxx: sebenarnya...aku kat smua tu untuk aku...sebab aku tahu...aku terlalu mengikut nafsu....bukan aku suka jd mcm ni...bila time aku nk stop/taubat...naluri itu dtg menggoda...itula yg dikatakan Allah: Adakah cukup dngan hanya berkata aku beriman...sedangkan iman itu tidak diuji... mxxxx: aku selalu mohon dengan Allah...ujilah aku dgn benda lain...bukan dgn "naluri" mxxxx: k....ko padam la nama aku mxxxx: mcmla msg aku ni bagus sgt mxxxx: ni nasihat untuk diri aku sendiri fifi

Well, encik Mxxxxx i dah coverina ur identitas :)

Same goes with me my friend. Same goes with me. I am living what has been scripted for me. NO REGRETS and NO TERKILANS. Having those two feelings makes me feel as if I am going against HIS will.

In a few hours, Malaysia would celebrate it's 50th year of independence. Would tehre be another 10? or another 40? Wallahualam. Only ALLAH knows.

Once we are comfortable, we would want to be more comfortable, that is human nature. But the way of getting more comfortable tu yang buat kita tersasar jauh. Nauzbillahiminzalliq.

So, selamat Ulangtahun ke 50 MALAYSIA. Syukur Alhamdulillah aku dilahirkan di tanah Malaysia. Syukru kehadratNYA disini aman. Namun, sedarlah, ini semua UJIAN untuk kita.

How MERDEKA are we and are we that MERDEKA? Wallahualam. Im happy happy and happy. I just want to celebrate this on a low key note. It is history, and who does not want to part of it. So if guys are going outto celebrate it tonight, try to be moderate :)

Ok, nak sambung keje dah. Feel lighter after offloading them here, on my blogspot. Looks like theres still sawang here and there.... hehehe... u ols kalau nampak sawang tu, tlg la sapu2kan yek?

Jazakallahu Khairan

in memory

Assalamualaikum.

I just got back from a tahlil, commemorating 40 days of my Aunt's passing. This is the first time after the funeral that I get to see my cousins again. I really felt odd. I just dont know why. I acted normal, as if nothing has happened. I just texted my cousin once after the funeral asking how she was getting on, even trying to send that text message was hard for me. Why? I do not know why.

My late aunt is my father's younger sister, thus, when I was a wee kid, when the maid was not around, my dad would send me to my aunt's. That is why, I grew very close with them, especially my aunt's youngest daughter.

I could still recall, when my aunt was baby sitting me, when my cousins were at school, I would follow her to the provision shop nearby. She would buy Maggi Ayam for me and cooked it for me later. Maggi Ayam. So there I was just now, sitting at the dining area of her home, recollecting bits and pieces of the time she was still around. My heart sank because I know she is no longer around.

I just could not even make eye contact with my cousins tonight, I was really afraid I would break down again, like how it happened after her burial at the Kota Damansara Muslim Cemetery. I felt it is unnecessary for the drama, so i kept it cool. Recalling my aunt's funeral, I actually left the location of Wayang, thanks to my sister in Brussels and brother in law who borrowed me money for the air tickets back to KL.

I received news that my aunt was in really bad shape at about 1 a.m, and at 3, I received a text message from my other sister in KL that my aunt had passed on. Not having anymore credits in my mobile, I got Hj Tharuwat to stop by a 7-11 on the way back to KB and got a rm30 reload. I then texted my cousin, sending my condolences, then I called her. Holding my emotions back (my Dean was in the backseat of the car)I told my cousin to send my love to everyone and be strong and I would not be able to come back.

When I got back to the hotel, after washing up etc, I just cant seem to sleep, and I texted my sister in Brussels and asked her, whether she knew Acik (thats what we call my aunt) had passed away. I was surprised that she did not know anything of it ( I thought my other sister texted her as well). Then it begin. To go back, or not. My sister then called me, we talked for a good 20 minutes, she coaxed me to go back, so that I "takkan menyesal". At 630a.m my bro in law called me, saying that he had banked in some money. By 7, I was already ready (and had not slept since the day before). Went to see the PM and told her, I just had to go back to KL.

Got a taxi at about 7 20 a.m, went straight to Pengkalan Chepa airport. Enquired at the MAS counter, there were no seats left. Went to the Air Asia counter, no seats left either, but I could still be on the waiting list. I also purchased a one way open ticket so that I could be on standby. By ALLAH's will, I did manage to get a seat on the Air Asia flight.

Touched down at LCCT at about 10 a.m, got a taxi straight to SS3, where my aunt's place is. The moment the taxi pulled over near the house, I saw a white flag at the junction. It was very surreal for me. Then I quickly walked to the house. My cousins greeted me at the gate. The body was still there, everyone was waiting for the people from the mosque to come with the hearse and for the Imam to lead the Solat Jenazah.

I followed the hearse to the cemetery. I was really quiet because I felt really awkward. The person in the coffin in front of me is my aunt. Someone that I had known the past 30 years of my life. She has 4 children, to whom I am close with. Now she is no longer around.

Along the way, I was just trying to imagine, what her son next to me felt. Losing his mother. I also tried imagining how her husband, who was also in the hearse felt. God,make me strong. I was also imagining how my father felt and his other sisters felt, and my mother too, at that time (I had never seen my Father looked how he looked like that day, apart from the time my Mom was warded in last year, where he seemed lost).

After the burial, as I was about to leave with my elder brother , we bid farewell to my aunts, uncles who attended the burial. It was when I wanted to say good bye to her youngest daughter, we just hugged each other and just broke down. I could not help it at all. Waterworks. Waterworks. Waterworks. The dam just broke loose. Regained my composure, and went back home.

I do not know if I really miss my aunt. I know that my cousins really do.

This will happen to me, one day for sure. I was telling myself that. Oh ALLAH. I ask from You, to give me the will to be strong, to be able to face the death of a loved one.

At this moment. I feel emptiness of some kind. I guess I would stop now.

Al Fatihah
to the late
HAJAH BADARIAH OSMAN

All the memories of me and Acik that ALLAH had bestowed, is really much appreciated.
Ya ALLAH, thank you for giving me a chance to have known her. Please bless her soul, and have her in one of your gardens in the here after. Ya ALLAH, please guide us to Your path, keep us to Your path. Amin.

Inalillah Wainalilahirajiun.
Dari ALLAH kita datang, kepada ALLAH kita kembali.

Thank you for reading this entry and...

JAZAKALLAHU KHAIR