Hmmmm....

Dengan Nama ALLAH Yang Pemurah dan Penyayang

I dont know whats wrong with myself tonight.... I kinda feel nothing-empty. I dont know wether I am being true and being honest to myself. I do not know wether i would regret this night or not. Only ALLAH knows it all. I just got back from a family outing...which i at first looked forward to, but in the end i dreaded it. The whole clan gathered at this steak restaurant in Damansara, and i had to force my self there. This might sound selfish, but i did not want to be there. Mixed emotions enveloped me through out. As i parked my mode of transportation, i hastily told my eldest brother to just go inside of the restaurant ahead of me. And i sat at the driver's seat... Praying to ALLAH to help me out, I did not want to be there in the first place.. I just dont know why. I know very well what ALLAH has commanded, that is to do good and respect our parents, and with a heavy heart, i stepped out of the trooper and cat-walked in the restaurant. I guess my face was pretty long and clearly showed that I was not interested at all to be there. The only excuse i gave was that i was really tired from the shoot i attended earlier today...only ALLAH knows what i felt just now. Was I being a hypocrite? I made myself sit at the reserved table...and ordered just coffee. I cant make myself eat anything... I would be lying to myself i guess if I did (well, I did kind of over ate during the shoot just now). Argh! I dont know!

The thing is, i dont feel guilty at all! Subhanallah! why am i like this? I knew i kinda broke and hurt my parents feeling. I too realise that this could be the last gathering for my family...it is all in ALLAH's hands and in HIS knowledge. La Hawla Wala Qu'a Ila Billah! i leave it all to YOU, most Merciful and Forgiving ONE!

Ya ALLAH, tolonglah hamba mu ini Ya ALLAH. kenapa diri ini tidak keruan? sedangkan siang hari tadi hati aku ceria dan gembira.... isk...konfius ok! Apa2 sekalipun, aku terlalu bersyukur kehadratnya yang aku hadir juga di majlis makan malam itu tadi, walaupun aku hanya meminum secawan kopi dan bermain dengan telefon bimbitku serta membuat hal aku sendiri di hadapan Rezeki ALLAH. Am I making a mockery out of myself? am I seeking attention? YA ALLAH, help me!!!!

MIMPI

i had quite a peculiar dream last night. I was at home, when the weather suddenly changed...it was terribly windy, yet the skies were clear...and the clouds were somewhat breaking...erm.. the clouds was white...against a clear blue sky..... the wind was terrible... everything around me seem to collapse...but i remained calm...ALhamdulillah... as i was cleansing my self (taking the ablution-wudhu') i woke up..... i dunno....

Ya ALLAH, only to YOU i ask for help and only from YOU i seek forgiveness.

diri ini terasa kosong dan tanpa perasaan. Aku sesungguhnya naik saksi bahawa tiada tuhan yang aku sembah melainkan ALLAH dan Muhammad itu pesuruhnya. Selawat dan Salam ke atas Nabi Junjungan.....

...................................................................aku pasrah

..........................................................................................sesungguhnya aku akan kembali kepadaMU

......dan segala apa yang ada pada diri ini adalah Hak MU.